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Ah! That Love Would'st Lead Me (Concrete) by EggbertShootsFire

Ah! That Love would'st lead me Down these garden paths in May Entwining fingers passing 'Tween hazy fleurs flourishing On a blurred and xanthene day. Yet rather than that lovely visage I've been gone and lead astray; Afore these hours waking I've no gentle whispers speaking Save my heart, in sad dismay. Ah! That Love would keep me From Her torturing wing of thorns- And the silent, fevered shadow 'Neath her brilliant-seeming halo, Viewed solely by a love forlorn. And would that I could leave him! He, whose tone has pierced me through; Clad in white and softly smiling, With my tender heart left writhing, As these shameless tears renew. Ah! That Love would'st lead me Toward His wond'rous arms outspread- But alas; this springtide's turned, And this lovely May's adjourned With December in its stead.

Sisterwolf 28-Dec-05/11:53 AM
I am setting myself for a blast from others, but -
this really isn't bad - a little forced, but it does
have the flavor of English poets of Blake's era. Personally, I love that kind of poetry, but you take a real risk posting it where it isn't seen in its best light.
And would that I could leave him!


"He, whose tone has pierced me through;
Clad in white and softly smiling,
With my tender heart left writhing,
As these shameless tears renew."

I would have put a comma after left - to emphasize
writhing, but that's me, not you.
This verse I chose was really strong, could
use some tweaking, but it is very good.
"And so, young poet, clad in black,
merely a few things your words do lack.
Hone thy skills with grace and labor,
that they might not be smote with tabor."




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