Poemranker [Replying] Fri May 17 00:22:46 PDT 2024

Replying to a comment on:

Prisms flash off icy sputum hawked by an angry sky whose knees knock with cold Every spicule sharp as curare dart and just as poisonous to exposed flesh Glowering clouds bunch their eyebrows into a frown of refusal to pass on by Tongues of fog lick at the windows, slavering like big, drooling guard dogs Tiny pixels far below deny their humanity as they slip from fog to building to sidewalk Their movements jerky as old movie film Lethargic light limply extends its fingers, but they will not puncture the gloom At dawn of time it was the same atmosphere, only now skyscrapers loom instead of mountains Still the oppressive feeling seems old as time It is a day for a good book and a long nap A day for inertia of body and soul alike It is an offering from the gods of dissipation Suck sweet chocolate between the teeth and think lewd thoughts without giggling Wrap up in cozy blankets, burrow down Emerge only when the mood is gone

zodiac

27-Dec-05/7:01 PM

I'm not sure you really do, but here's for shooting in the dark:

1) I think you should punctuate normally, with periods at line-ends where required by convention. Yes, I've read several good poems lately, including some very good Adrienne Rich, which eschew line-end punctuation. But those were short pieces with frequent stanza breaks to ensure clarity. This is simply too dense to comfortably read without real breaks.

OBVIOUS RESPONSE: zodiac doesn't know how to read hard poetry.

ZODIAC: My degree's literature. By degree I mean Master's, with trimmings. By literature I mean stuff so hard it would curdle your ears.

2) This poem's real weaknesses aren't grammatical; they are English. Namely,

3) That string of descriptions and prepositional phrases in your first sentence needs shortening and breaking. The easiest fix: drop one - either "off icy sputum", "hawked by an angry sky", "whose knees knock", or "with cold". Or find a way to somehow make that two sentences, one about the prisms and sputum, one about the icy sky's knees and the cold.

4) This needs to be generally tightened. A poem about frost crystals as ennui is a good idea, and original to boot. I'd drop four-fifths of the unrelated ideas or images.

5) Small edits: "curare dart" is - oddly - archaic-sounding and not the most emotive image available. I'd drop it; it sounds like trope. The space between "movements" and "jerky" is unnecessary; drop it. I'd add a word before "suck" - either "to" or (more poetically, I think) "so". Especially without the punctuation, it's jarring reading.

6) Avoid pairing each noun with one-and-only-one adjective, especially 'thesaurus' nouns and 'poetic' adjectives. That impairs flow, slows the reading, clouds meaning, and becomes extremely obvious by about line 4. Try to vary your structure: good nouns often don't need adjectives (case in point: sputum); include a few strings of really interesting adjectives.

7) The last bit, starting with "It is a day" is really strong. That's not a crit; I liked it. And, again, I'm glad to see someone on this site who's read poetry before.

8) I'm not trying to come down hard on you. I'm just trying to suggest ways that I think you could make this poem better. You've obviously gotten POTM without my help, so feel free to refuse it. That's fine. I just got a poem in Kenyon - which is really fine.

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