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Relief (Ventilation Shaft rewrite) (Free verse) by cyan9

The wicked glared at the glowing drops of steel That dripped from the scarred charred anvil. Beads of tempered steel streaked through rimose veins Into crevice like crimson forks of lightning in the rain. Stepping back into the wardrobe to retreat from the storm, The wicked steel beings raped the weakling fawn. Exercising demons brought a rush to their iron brains, A relief to those who struggled through each day. Entangled in a fantasy world where each could go bezerk, Sodomising talking animals as they lay there in the dirt. Void of responsibility that let hearts fly free, Released to do their dark little things in a world, A world that does not cause us any misery. Lying in the snow beneath oak and willow While frost crawled over their burning hearts, Lying to themselves and lying to their brothers, Advising people on the problems of each other. Beauty poured down all day And they missed it as they played, Wishing for something real The alloyed creatures got back to their evil.

cyan9 9-Dec-05/8:33 AM
1. As you stated the red forks are streaking, it is long and thats what I want from these sentances, I like the way it lures you in and then suffocates you with there length, until the relief of it finishing, just like venting anger. Your edit things more coherant.

2. I havn't yet, but I will to include some of the comments on it, + I recommended DancingShamrock richen up the language a bit with a line that I badly want to use myself now (Castigating the meat of my accomplishments) then took a look at this and thought that I could do a bit better than red lightning. How come the lack of sleep???

3. Point taken, I think, I was coming from the perspective of "You cant help someone who wont help themselves", but if you don't try then they will not know how to help themselves, and so you should take it as your responsibility to make people aware that a route to a solution is available, and to help people to get onto/go along it. If you do not make that awareness of the route available then people will not know to take it, and so they are doing the best that they can, since they know no better.




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