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Relief (Ventilation Shaft rewrite) (Free verse) by cyan9

The wicked glared at the glowing drops of steel That dripped from the scarred charred anvil. Beads of tempered steel streaked through rimose veins Into crevice like crimson forks of lightning in the rain. Stepping back into the wardrobe to retreat from the storm, The wicked steel beings raped the weakling fawn. Exercising demons brought a rush to their iron brains, A relief to those who struggled through each day. Entangled in a fantasy world where each could go bezerk, Sodomising talking animals as they lay there in the dirt. Void of responsibility that let hearts fly free, Released to do their dark little things in a world, A world that does not cause us any misery. Lying in the snow beneath oak and willow While frost crawled over their burning hearts, Lying to themselves and lying to their brothers, Advising people on the problems of each other. Beauty poured down all day And they missed it as they played, Wishing for something real The alloyed creatures got back to their evil.

zodiac 9-Dec-05/7:16 AM
1. Well, it's good that you're writing sentences. Where it falls apart is that it's essentially "Glaring at drops of steel. Striking out. Whipping up. Venting to peace" instead of "He glared at drops of steel. He struck out. He whipped up, venting to peace" and so on. Some good poetry pulls off all -ing nonsentences, but not a lot. And a whole lot of bad poetry tries it and doesn't pull it off. Anyway, it's become a pet peeve of mine lately. Practically speaking, I would try to make sure each sentence in those first two stanzas has an explicit subject, something like:

He glared at the glowing drops of steel
As they dripped from the scarred anvil
Like beads of tempered rain running
Into crevice and crack like red lightning.
Forks streaked cross charcoal sky
From whence rain came as cool ash
Damping breathing, calming the very soul.


2. You've edited this? Or I've slept some finally? Anyway, now it's obvious the rain is like cool ash.

3. Yes, I understand that. But it's (unfortunately) as much the non-downtrodden's responsibility to solve the problems as it is the downtrodden's. The downtrodden can't by themselves. That's why we call them downtrodden, because someone is (we are) crushing them down. At any rate, you can't hold them to our more-priveleged standard. That's what being priveleged means, by the way: that we have the privelege to control and change our lives. And how many priveleged people do you know that have managed to improve THEIR situations?




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