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Relief (Ventilation Shaft rewrite) (Free verse) by cyan9

The wicked glared at the glowing drops of steel That dripped from the scarred charred anvil. Beads of tempered steel streaked through rimose veins Into crevice like crimson forks of lightning in the rain. Stepping back into the wardrobe to retreat from the storm, The wicked steel beings raped the weakling fawn. Exercising demons brought a rush to their iron brains, A relief to those who struggled through each day. Entangled in a fantasy world where each could go bezerk, Sodomising talking animals as they lay there in the dirt. Void of responsibility that let hearts fly free, Released to do their dark little things in a world, A world that does not cause us any misery. Lying in the snow beneath oak and willow While frost crawled over their burning hearts, Lying to themselves and lying to their brothers, Advising people on the problems of each other. Beauty poured down all day And they missed it as they played, Wishing for something real The alloyed creatures got back to their evil.

cyan9 9-Dec-05/6:41 AM
1. Being short on grammer here, Im not sure quite where they fall apart, I know they dont look right because they are so long. It was the first time I tried writing sentances instead of lines for poems.

2. I think I see, the rain should damp the breathing not the cool ash, since the rain is like cool ash not like cool ash damping breathing. Also 'venting' should become 'that vented', and a comma should go between soft cheese and following. I don't see the issue of the strangler being introduced so late, it is unusual but I dont think it is detrimental (I hope).

3. The strangler is presented as the victim here who draws his own fate. The piece is there to advocate that instead of bitching and moaning about a problem, try to work to a solution, and at that point you lose your anger (until inhibited ...) it is the responibility of those who know how to solve such issues to help provide a pathway and assistance should someone wish to solve their problems. Anybody who disagrees with that is likely to need help, or be some kind of enlightened monk that has never been part of society (tell me if I'm wrong).

Bush does not care for American people, his administration is geared towards providing for his Administration and the corporations that affect them, he provides as much social benefit and charity as is required so as to stay in power and not be even more scorned and hated by the interational community and the country he is supposed to serve.




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