Poemranker [Replying] Wed May 08 18:24:06 PDT 2024

Replying to a comment on:

Beneath the Willow Tree (Free verse) by cyan9

Lying down with the arc of my back against the mounds of earth, weaving my vertibrae over each bump and clump of grass, of dirt, I inked my index finger and drew a symbol to draw mana from the sky. Ripples eminated from the connection, and through their vortex I found myself sucked into a tunnel, sucked towards one bright one light. As I twisted and turned through concave and convex, I awoke to a haze of brightness, I awoke and began to stare at the surgeons vest. Hurtling on a theatre trolley while doctors stitched together my brain, having been out cold for days, I couldn't remember my name. As I leant up to ask of my journey, my fate; ripples formed and the vortex sucked me further in. I was wrapped up in all the soft blankets the sun could offer, I was cradled and lulled into a soft warm bed, I awoke to the light of day, I awoke with light inside my head.

zodiac

17-Nov-05/5:19 AM

I've come off badly here. Let me start again:

I find this poem neither very evocative nor very original. Nor particularly meaningful. Considering that it seems written to be strong visually or evocatively (and not necessarily meaningful) I'll stick with that. Eminations, vortices, tunnels and such are so often repeated these days that they're practically meaningless to me. Besides, not having actually traveled through a vortex to a tunnel's vertex or however it goes, I've got nothing to connect this with my experience. Phrases like a "haze of brightness" pull their punches, going for a standard or vague formulation rather than working to evoke an actual image or impression. Vortex and ripples are repeated in the poem's second half to even less effect, and I wonder why. I liked the inked index finger, the theatre trolley, and the last line, but I found those parts overwhelmed by parts saying things I've heard a million times before and better. I especially don't like "mana from the sky", which, in addition to jarring with the poem's other imagery, is misspelled.

Regarding spelling and punctuation: There's simply no point in ignoring or going slack on basic rules of English. Even the best poem needs all the help it can get, and it hurts your poem's standing in EVERY SINGLE PERSON'S EYES, POETRY SNOB OR NOT, to come across bad spelling and grammar. There's no basis for using punctuation ONLY for pauses, even in 17th and 18th c. poetry, which is what you're thinking of. That's not semantic, anyway. There's no such thing as continuous verse. You've made that term up. Don't require your reader to do more work and expect him to like it. Seriously. Authorly tidbits like "take it for what it is" very rarely go over, even when they come from real authors. Incidentally, there are things here that should cause someone difficulty reading - at least inasmuch as your reader has to see "mana" and think "okay, he means manna".

Regarding the rest of your comment: I'm not teenage. I feel most of this came across in my first, admittedly cynical message. I highly doubt you'll welcome this feedback, or even read it this far. Do not suggest I lack imagination or ability as far as reading your poem goes. Thanks. Have a nice day.

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