zodiac20 Aug 2005

"confused to understand" is not real grammar. I like the rhythm of it, but'd really prefer "failing to understand" or something such (and it's nifty sprung-rhythm!)

"About" in the third stanza stopped me a minute. I'd like to see "Nor" in its place.

Would you consider dropping "About this feeling... can they bring" and the next stanza? Thanks. It was kind of superobvious.

I'd change "platitudes" to a less-strong word, or example, or cool turn-of-phrase of your own.

Okay, I made all the comments above without reading the last stanza. Wow. Oh. Okay. I don't think it works at all. For one, City of Angels???? For two, it's kind of just whimsical wish-fulfillment, isn't it? Not to mention utterly non-doctrinal, against everything you've written so far, and a rather trite Deus ex Machina. My suggestion (ie, if this were my poem, so you know what that's worth): The narrator-woman ends wishing for an angel to sleep beside her, knowing it doesn't really feel or understand anything she feels, but she settles for the compromise anyway. Yeah. Cool. I dig.

Liked quite a few bits of the writing. You're good when you're poetic.