Replying to a comment on:

Only I wish I could say.. (Free verse) by PunkyPanda

I can't go on without you, I'm too weak. I can't say those words to you, they're too hard to speak. Am I that good at hiding the secret, the one between two friends? The friends you said we'd be until the very end? It's time for me to come outwith it, but I don't think I can. I'm afraid of losing our friendship, I, which you will ban My breath's getting shorter, faster beats my chest. I come out with "I" but I can't say the rest. Your eyes grow weary, you put your arm around me. I look in your eyes, and suddenly I can see. That what I want to say to you, you want to say to me. I finally say "love" and the whole world slows down. the last word, I need say, before in my fears I drown. "You" there, it's out, I can breath, I can feel my heart again. Will we still be friends 'till the very end? I look at you once more in your eyes so blue, Then I hear the sweetest words ever, "I love you too"

LilMsLadyPoet 13-Jul-05/3:03 PM
I am thinking you are young...keep writing, this is sweet and a look into young-ness. I give you credit for correct spelling...not one mistake! (which is more than I can say about a lot of people who post! (Other than> 'outwith'...but I figured a typo!) You got too wordy in places> 'before in my fears I drown.'& 'I, which you will ban'. My advise is to write as you speak, as you hear it said in your head...let it just flow as-is, then clean it up and work on anything that doesn't work.




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001