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Sandia Plain (Free verse) by Dovina

Thick adobe walls naked and worn shells of lives dots on the desert of Sandia Plain Those heat-holding walls held sun through the night and night through the day to warm by in winter cool in the scorch But modern builders with smarts and studs raised wooden walls covered with hot tin roofs So people bought and thought they were cool having what better people had not mere earth but sheetrock Beside painted siding abandoned homes melt and slough to statues, and Grampa asks why the heater’s on Then a breed of practical souls rediscovered adobe’s good set mud again drying on Sandia Plain Blocks of dried earth ready for stacking in modern adobe walls protecting folks As the ancients knew in winter cold and summer heat revived on Sandia Plain

zodiac 23-Jun-05/1:04 AM
My suggestions:

1) Punctuate.
2) Stop writing all of your sentences the same, and making them all like "Beside painted siding abandoned homes melt and slough to statues etc, etc, etc." I'm at a loss to explain exactly how simplistic and yet totally unnatural your sentence structures are, and how there are a lot better ones. You're just going to say, "But my sentences have so many words! So many subordinate clauses!"
3) Include similes. People like similes. Really, modern poetry's like 1 simile or metaphor per 2 lines.

That's about it. You're as always perfectly entitled to tell me to bug off.




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