DoubleU7 Jun 2005
This is quite good but should be edited a bit.
Stanza 1, line 2:
it's not a pretty word, but I do miss 'that' after 'mask'. Purely for rhythmic means.
Stanza 3. Why the punct in line 1?
lines 4/5:
alive in my dreams where they have
her blue eyes, her lips and God
calls them bastards
(This line-chopping is not really necessary; just to heighten the drama a bit)
that it doesnât melt,
not even in hell
'that it never melts'? The poem reflects that something has been lost forever.
as love lived in me.
When she killed it
I don't quite understand this. The one who died at twenty is the victim, as I see it. But she also kills him, or at least his love for her. And what's with the children? They're not his? They were never realised? I read this from the perspective of a male. So what's with the white dress? He was denied her virginity? Complex, complex... This is really a poem I would like to see clarified.