Poemranker [Replying] Mon May 06 11:08:55 PDT 2024

Replying to a comment on:

Moments (or) Suicide (Free verse) by Dovina

I made a list as you could do of ten events so brief, profound they rest as Moments vividly recorded for a Moment cannot be mundane Seven remain as wonderful three as terrible. If the list continued Iâd like to think seventy percent could be maintained as great My life reviewed and judged like this might be considered in some dark hour not just bunk, but as in this ordinary time for its just worth

zodiac

8-Apr-05/6:00 AM

Then I think the sentence is unnecessarily jumbled to the point of incomprehensibility. It starts off well enough

"My life reviewed and judged like this might be considered in some dark hour not just bunk" is fine, and seems to get at the point you want to make, which from what I gather is that people SHOULD do it in suicidal moments, but don't. Even adding "but as in this ordinary time" works - your life might be considered not just bunk but as [it's considered] in this ordinary time [i.e., worthwhile].

But you can't say, for example, "my life might be considered not just bunk for its just evaluation" which is grammatically, semantically, or whateverally equivalent to what you're saying. Do you see what I mean? To parse even further (but keep the grammar) you've got "My life might be considered for its evaluation". There's the problem. You can say "My life might be considered for its just value" or "My way of evaluating my life might be considered a just evaluation", but your life itself isn't being considered for evaluation. At the very least, you'd have to change "for" to "by" - and that's neither poetic nor particularly meaningful. Me, I'd change evaluation to "value", "worth", or "valuation".

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