Replying to a comment on:

We Have Nothing to Talk About (Free verse) by jessicazee

But my mouth keeps on opening Telling trade secrets, breaching slumber party Trance confessions, light as a feather, Stiff as a board, your fingers In circles on my temples. That was whiskies ago, In this city where beer is so sacred We converge, have toasts. A few topics attempt value… Bangs, noses, the price of pitchers… Three games of pinball and I’ll leave you a line in the bathroom Under the matchbook As long as you don’t kiss him While I’m gone.

Dovina 3-Mar-05/6:57 AM
Good. I think you could make it stronger by cutting a few words -
"trance" - 3 adjectives in a row. And a line break after "secrets."
"so" in line 7




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001