Poemranker [Replying] Thu Nov 21 15:34:19 PST 2024

Replying to a comment on:

the pretenders (Free verse) by PopoyMola

i lived in a barrio where i dream i bathe in the brooks with my friends. we play all day nothing to think about... but i am a dreamer, i want more... more out of me, more than i can handle. a dream to get out of the same routines i did at the barrio. i went to Manila to search. i thought my dreams will come through there... i met many people whom i call friends but they are pretenders with a different scheme. they taught me things to be in the circle. at first it was cool, later it wasn't. i befriended crocodiles hungry for power... i met birds in vulture's feathers... i knew snakes with the stingiest scales... they taught me so many. they taught me 'drugs' is a friend... that sex is a mere past time... that i must be a pretender! i did not see what i sought for... i found evil in lamb's clothing. i went back to the barrio... hanged out with my friends... simple as it may be... i found my dream here... it was here all along.

SupremeDreamer

15-Jan-05/6:10 AM

Its core is worthwhile, what you're trying to express, but the poem you have here lacks experience and skill--it's limping.. flailing.

One: you can drastically cut down on the use of the word "I". "I" in poetry is decrepit and weak, and offers little more than rigidness along with insipidness. Consider sticking to a rule of using no-more than one "I", and strive to have none.

For example, the two first lines can be edited like so:

I live in a barrio, dreaming,
bathing in the brooks with friends.

Notice how it grates less on the ears? More fluid, atleast I'm inclined to think so.

Two: Grammar.. particularly your use of past or present tense. FYI, past would be "lived", present "live", present tense usually carries more force or expression, past tense tends to make it seem as if your merely reminiscing-- most times appearing dull.

"i lived in a barrio where i dream"

This is using both in contradiction, and is poor use of the english language.. a no-no.

Three: Your way of detailing your "friends" character has a good base, comparing them to vultures, snakes, etc, but has no force or impact.

"i befriended crocodiles hungry for power..."
"i met birds in vulture's feathers..."
"i knew snakes with the stingiest scales..."

You expressed this as past tense, so it suffers a loss of meaning, force, and ample definition. You give no example of how they are as vultures, snakes, crocodiles. Plus, you could cut out crocs and stick to slithering and hunger, scavenging. Simplicity and potency, consider this example:

My friends linger, shoulders hunched, coveting,
and wary they creep slowly, serpents tongue forked,
hissing, pursuasive superiority offering deceit.

Not the best example, but you get the idea, I hope.

Four: Your poem is littered with ellipses, those "..." are a bad, horrid habit to have when writing, it mostly gives people the impression that your really muddled on heroin while your writing... and... constantly... jarring yourself... from the emptiness of... dope... space... arhhhhhhhh...

Refrain from littering your writing with the cursed dots, you're better off with out them-- whatever anyone may have told you, its not poetic to pause and doze off between stanzas.

That pretty much covers the essentials for now.. or more precisely, what I felt compelled to impart.

No vote for now.

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