Poemranker [Replying] Sat May 04 02:37:55 PDT 2024

Replying to a comment on:

touching its plumped tail with a paddle was an undeliberate thrill. to navigate this pond in a wooden box of a boat, can try. the lob of a crust to break the water, an ear of bread trimmed from a sandwich, an offer that upturns a beak's chimera.

Shuushin

31-Dec-04/6:04 AM

I try to make my own conclusions without reading the other comments, but I share Dovina's unease with "chimera".

Having trouble with the disparity it implies, because I don't see it in the action. And the only link I see with the beak is with the color partially matching the flames breathed by that mythical beast - but that is a longshot at best. Fire/Water disparity?? - I actually wouldn't be too surprised if *you* were going for that (and that is meant as a compliment).

Otherwise, its a soothing piece. Mellow with an interesting but not startling turn. "plumped tail" is very nice. Don't know what would work better than "lob", maybe "float" for several reasons you can probably see for yourself. But lob works well too.

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