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My Wife (Free verse) by Dovina

Happiness is fitful and occasional. It’s the escape I get when not meeting her wishes, not performing a trick, and she is not looking up at me smiling. Normally, I am groomed as she has trained, prepared to converse on her topics, it took her years to teach. Her smile is my fish. Then she spots the flaw, spiritual emptiness in my eye. She has warned against corruption of independence, And wants to save me. But there it is. “Why are you looking at me like that?” she hisses. Now I must think of a way to fill my spirit, divert punishment. I never wanted her to save me, only accept me as I am.

zodiac 29-Dec-04/10:42 PM
The sentence that begins "It's the escape I get..." is not grammatical. You have to take out the "and" to make it right.

"groomed" and "trained" in the second stanza seem weird. At least, it doesn't seem obvious that she trained you to groom yourself.

Also, by the time you get to "it took her years to teach", you've too many adjective clauses.

It was really pretty good up to that point. Then it gets heavy-handed at the "spiritual emptiness" part. People blather on about showing or telling or whatever, but what they're really getting at a lot of the time is that it's just not likely your narrator is so self-aware. So instead he burns the dinner or forgets her name or something, to show how he's like subconsciously spiritually empty (or whatever). It would work a lot better than that whole third stanza.

Actually, I'd like it better ended after the second bit. Or I could think it was really good, changed only very slightly.

Out of curiosity: Do you consider yourself a feminist?




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