Replying to a comment on:

The wreck of a Memphis-Atlanta Greyhound (Free verse) by zodiac

[For Dovina, as always.] One casualty - fortunate, as these things go. (The oncoming driver, drunk or overtired, thinking about his wife, a song or nothing, escaped unhurt.) Inevitable, they said. Common enough, at any rate. Bound to happen once to any of us, given world and time enough. And always more-or-less the same. Except the flying man. He'd been in that rear lavatory. Freshening up, I imagine. At least, he seemed the freshening-up sort. Probably used the phrase "God-fearing" once in his life, uncynically. Or "Old fart" (also self-reference.) There's a kind who use bus lavatories, who call them lavatories - the humble, endless opiners, insufficiently loved for what they are: white streaks of light waiting. Grandfather-puffy. Or else a professor, a doctor, maybe. Surely, there was some ideology involved. Some extra lift, shot him - what, four times himself down the aisle, a thrilling upward half a parabola. The downward too, then. But, before that, the windshield; so as much of him continued up as fell (if you believe ballistics end in that instant: the soul transforms into an up-falling rain of pebbled glass.) I can tell you, the physics of the thing are suspect. For in the time he took to clear the dash, I saw him wide-eyed soaring - startled, yes, yet lit with something you'd call beatific but for belonging to a man with his pants half-buckled. I had time enough to think how he must see us there: all curtailed somehow, collapsed ingloriously into our facing seatbacks, babies smothered, a shameful akimbo of limbs like sleepers' - our own truncating ideologies holding us back, he'd know. But he - Man! He was the one flying.

Dovina 13-Dec-04/12:01 PM
You have written me a poem. How very touching. Of course you will take my saying so as facetious. But no. And to show my appreciation, I will comment at length, without slander or name calling, and with an only purpose of constructive feedback.

It could not have been written during the accident, but after it, making the title not only too long, but confusing.

Comma before “given” in versa 2.

“always more-or-less the same” seems neither accurate, nor logically sound or even a line that says anything. Besides, the thought is expressed above.

“’God-fearing’ once in his life, uncynically.” Doesn’t say much. Everyone does it once. Try “often.”

The man who was thrown was on the bus, and the narrator was on the bus, else how could the narrator develop so detailed an opinion of him or know he had been in the lavatory. Yet the man flew over the dash (Do busses have dashes?) and through the windshield of the bus, while all of the other passengers were only pressed forward against seatbacks. The narrator had to have been sitting near the front of the bus to see the man’s flight after he penetrated the windshield, and remained in his seat during the flight, or at least not far from it, to notice the man’s expression. The thrown man probably landed on the car involved in the head-on collision (I assume it was head-on), yet no mention of it. When a bus hits a car head-on, and the driver of the car is not hurt badly, then the collision happened at low speed, which would cause little impact to the much-heavier bus. Okay, if you say so, but it seems the physics should be presented more believably if you want us to consider the philosophy. Saying, “the physics of the thing are suspect.” Isn’t enough.

“up-falling rain of pebbled glass” Since you’ve opened this ethereal aspect, this line could be related to the thrown man’s character as you developed it above, bring cause to the result, bringing relevance to the collision. Just an idea.




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