zodiac16 Nov 2004

Thank you for listening to me, really. Now that we're on the same page, I'd like to point out that

a) shallow and dirty snow doesn't immediately suggest to me (or anyone else, apparently) "traces of the thing covered - pain", so I think you missed the mark;

b) taking the parallels in the metaphor HisJokes/HisPain, HerMissives/HerPain across the stanza break was really fucking confusing. I'm still not sure I get it;

c) And you've got about 4 pains and 4 things hidding by the time you get to the "such are the jokes" part, where the metaphor effectively stops and the metaphor-explanation begins. My suggestion: Just straighten it out. Make his pain something that's actually covered by the snow on the ground, like the ground. Make her pain something that's actually surrounded by your limbs/missives. Something like,

Snow on the ground
shallow and dirty
[Covering the frost-scarred
ground or something.]

Black limbs sagging
frosty and white
[Clutching a piece
of hard blue sky or something.]

Such are the jokes
that cover his wounds...


That is all.