Replying to a comment on:

An Afternoon Walk (Free verse) by Dovina

Snow on the ground, shallow and dirty. Up in the trees it’s crusty and clean. Walking and talking, cars kicking dust, it settles still dry on the roadside snow. White seems more bright, in this afternoon light, and dust is not only kicked up by the cars. Snow jokes like a salve and covers his wounds and rambles like honey, sweetening mine. And dust in the snow becomes gaps in his lines or dark flaws in my light-hearted tales. Both are designed to look white and bright, to cover the dark things - dirt and limb. Which are more lofty covering whiter? Which bear the dust of weaker defense?

zodiac 13-Nov-04/3:58 AM
You're not understanding me. And I'm not setting up a straw anything. That's just something dunces and richa say all the time when they're getting criticized. All I did was replace your images with poems with abstract titles according to what you said they represented. And it didn't add up. Or it kind of did, just all mixed up. Don't take my word for it. Try this: print a copy of this poem and write above each line whether it represents jokes, his wounds, missives, your wounds, or nothing. See what order they come out in, or if the nothing lines even fit with the metaphors at all (hint: they don't!)

To be doing it right, you should come out with either

Image(jokes)
Image(his wounds)

Image(missives)
Image(my wounds)

Such are the jokes
that cover his wounds
and the missives
surrounding mine

----OR (and this is a stretch)----

Image(jokes)
Image(missives)

Image(his wounds)
Image(my wounds)

Such are the jokes, etc etc etc.

If you don't have that, it just doesn't make any fucking sense. People try to fit it into a Jokes, wounds, Missives, wounds structure and get "crusty and clean" snow being his wounds and "tan earth" being your wounds and HOW THE HELL IS CRUSTY SNOW SOMEONE'S WOUNDS???!?! Trust me, ANYONE is going to back me up on this. Oh, wait, I've forgotten. You don't trust the opinion of any person on this site except that moron Dan Garcia-Black. Well, take a jump down a manhole, then. I might as well be talking to a fucking vegetable. Sheesh.




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001