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A Better God (Free verse) by Dovina

When I become god of a far away planet, I’ll set up my world with great beauty and wit. And to keep me from getting too lonely, I’ll make beings to admire my work. My creatures will discover all that I’ve made quite pleasing and right in their finite minds. I’ll show them in love how their world was formed, remove any doubt of who did it or why. Ancient texts on how I created, I’ll not leave about to conflict with evidence for some other way. No, I’ll make plain how to seek me and praise, if they wish to, but never they must. Then they will let me receive them and heal their self-made diseases. That’s the kind of god I will be. Not the unknowable elusive kind.

zodiac 27-Oct-04/1:01 AM
Yes, I think it would be a good idea for you to replace a grammatically-correct and stupid-sounding line with one that is, at least, correct. The only reasons I can think of that you wouldn't change it is that you think "discover" is an especially exciting and evocative word and you have a poet's somewhat illfounded aversion to the word "thing". As far as discover goes, it's not. You just think so because it's long and you think long words, inappropriately used, are better than short words, appropriately used. If your point is to evoke some feeling for the reader, discover does nothing. Who the fuck has ever discovered anything and then said, oh, what I'm doing now is "discovering"? Hereafter, whenever I hear the word "discover" it will recall for me that dizzying bowel-loosening feeling I have now! No one, that's who.

"Thing" is probably a poor word choice, but not nearly as bad as an ungrammatical, botched-metered line for the sake of using "discover". Why don't you use "everything" in the place of "all the things"? Or figure something out yourself. I'm not going to write your fucking poem for you, JEEZ!!!!




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