<~>19 Sep 2004

oy. ready? set? crit:

She washed over me like water,

>>k—washed over me doesn’t need to be qualified with ‘like water’—>>economize your words for greater effect.

and I knew love
like love had never known;

>>abstract

she wriggled into every crevice, licked
me clean, then left--

>>okay, now we’re getting somewhere. Was it a salty tongue, like
>>sharkskin, so smooth on the approach yet tearing and scraping
>>like sandpaper as it pulled away?


but she came back, caressed me down, deeper still.

>>and what did that feel like?

She went and came like some sick little game

>>yep. Yep. Very clear to me.

and I was stone, alone and uncertain;

>> I have a hard time with stones being uncertain. They don’t roll.
>>They know where they’ll wake up tomorrow. They know what they are
>>going to wear tonight. And they definitely know if they look fat
>>in that.


her visitations slowly eroded my hesitation
and I became used to her comings and goings.


>>tides? To repeat the water/comparison to elementals metaphor?


We settled into a long routine, then: love when she was there

>>delete “then”

and happy rememberings on her trips away.


>>both of you settled into this
>both of you with the happy rememberings?

Slowly, though, she found my deep imperfections
and seeping into them she'd leave a piece of herself behind
to whip cold and hot.

>>finding and seeping cold maybe be better verbs? More insidious?

She'd tell herself tales
when she returned
and slowly I cracked, I crumbled,


>>what sort of tales? About what? Why? And how did it come
>>about that you heard them?

and she'd whisk those pieces away, rounding them to pebbles, then sand
while I remained
less
and less.

>>again, delete “then”

The strength of her love never waned
and in time it became too much
for what was left of me,
one raw stone,
and I let go.


>>you never showed us that she loved you, only that she tortures you


I entered her to and fro,
another pawn of her whimsy
to slowly be rounded to nothing
through pleasure.

>>apart from ‘pawn’ being overused, the rounding to nothing slowly through pleasure is quite good.