Poemranker [Replying] Sun Nov 24 20:01:09 PST 2024

Replying to a comment on:

Lake Michigan's soft and ceaseless cobalt breakers, the dulcet breeze by the Beer Garden in such peculiar concert with your silly laugh. It blew your russet hair against my cheek, as I drank the rest of your warm Black & Tan and stared at the shimmering of your freckled shoulder, half-concerned that sweat and sun could make such splendor.

Nateislate

5-Aug-04/1:55 PM

Others are attempting genuine feedback. I'll attempt the same, stipulating that this is a fine effort that I like very much. I'm most concerned with two incongruities:

1. Half-concerned. It doesn't seem to fit. The poem didn't seem to be building to the point of concern. Elated, intrigued, comfortable, satisfied -- variants on these words would seem (to me) more appropriate. When I first read the half-concerned line, I thought you were trying to draw a contrast - but I didn't know with what. It took me out of the moment.

2. Sweat. Before that point, you were painting a cool picture. Cobalt breakers, dulcet breeze, beer garden. The black and tan is warm, not hot. So why is she sweating? Nervous? Pissed that you drank her beer? I'm not saying she can't perspire, just that the day seems breezy and comfortable, not hot and sweaty.

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