Poemranker [Replying] Thu Nov 21 21:00:10 PST 2024

Replying to a comment on:

Lake Michigan's soft and ceaseless cobalt breakers, the dulcet breeze by the Beer Garden in such peculiar concert with your silly laugh. It blew your russet hair against my cheek, as I drank the rest of your warm Black & Tan and stared at the shimmering of your freckled shoulder, half-concerned that sweat and sun could make such splendor.

Shuushin

19-Jun-04/9:00 AM

Hey doug, this has a very honest feel to it.

Let me pick at it a bit too, hopefully focusing on things you might use in other poems.

the word "can" just takes up space, really it does't convey anything except as a noun.

And "still" - same thing.

LEt me give you one more thing to think about. This saying you hear LMich and actually using the word "hear" - also not a big value adding word in this context.

Suppose you had done instead

Lake Michigan
soft and stoic, cobalt breakers
lilted Beer Garden breezes ... [etc.]

See, the same thing is conveyed but without the burden of those words; it's [I hope] more showing than telling. Why make the reader work if they get nothing in return?

But even without that stuff, this still has a very sweet feel.

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