the abuser left me, a victim no longer accepting the role he insisted in his belligerence: you have been a victim your whole life, okay? no, but i didn't say it - click - he called back the next day to tell me what to do don't be angry, be happy so he can just keep hoping to continue his insanity with me what he will never understand is that i was happier before he ever came into my life. except for his last girlfriend things with her are so intense the universe psychically opens up so fast, while my heart resists in its long slow melodic beat closing doors in fear to protect my love from his residual energy that is destined to disperse so, no, i do not want the roach and no thanks to the good day beer i do not want to want anything. a paradox, with addictive qualities because the truth is: i do still want and fear. i want and fear this crazy man yet know this is not love.