Shuushin4 May 2004

Title verb could give you a bit more use prolly.

"windy" twice in the first?

I'm going to go off on that first stanza some more, no abuse intended. Do you really need to *tell* me it's windy? I mean "hats rolling [down] the sidewalk" do that for you, right? Pretty much - "down" is weak to that end though, but easily replaced with maybe a simile. Can you do something with "Hats" - make it more real, less "movie-like"?

Figure all that out and apply to the other stanzas and it will help you with this pattern of saying "here is an event", then proceeding to describe the event; "They were yelling/words were loudly played about" kindof thing. The idea is to not need that first [telling] bit.

Btw, I didn't spend all these words because I think this sucks, in fact it has a refined feel, especially toward the end - but there is some noise making it difficult to appreciate fully.