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The Longest Wait (Revised) (Free verse) by Caducus

A plastic tube in oval claret, Your fate lays in a monotone beep. A green line flickers, and hopes rest in uncertain waves, that have become your bedside beacon. I sing your favourite love song, hoping that you'll hear me, sometimes I forget the words, then realize I've just sang them subconsciously. As you flounder in pale shade, I scowl at the vibrant bouquets, that flourish in your decline, as fates cruel hand awaits its Croupier. Fate is a horizontal line, The illuminated split of jade upon black, Time is recorded by impervious staff, Who destroy the remnants of her in sheets, The bed is made for another, And I leave silently to silence.

<~> 5-Aug-03/6:52 AM
okay, re-reading, i'm making a suggestion to change the last stanza, again, making it more active, less passive. *also* watch how many commas you use! they really break up a piece. if you can get away without using them,. do so.


Fate in a horizontal line:
The illuminated split of jade through black.
Time, revered by an impervious staff.
They destroy the remnants of her, in sheets.
They make the bed for another,
Leaving me to silence.


there's still something missing, but you'll find it. you'll sharpen your sword if you can manage to cut away the passive voice, cad.





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