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Feudal Conflict (Free verse) by Dovina

On a checkerboard of days and nights, Lined and rowed and numbered, Pieces move about and joust, Capture, slay, and mate. A gallant knight, you charge ahead, Then abruptly turn to challenge. My pawn and queenliness Held forked and fated, Not both can possibly escape. You can have the pawn if you’re so blind. Strike it down, then gasp while a queen smiles sassy at your king. In check, you call a bishop, Then she slays your holy man. Next time you’ll look beyond, forgo the easy threat, Leave the vulnerable pawn, And protect yourself instead For you, my friend, have felt the heated eye Of an insulted queen.

Shuushin 25-Jan-05/10:37 AM
Please don't take it too harshly - let's see, I felt on the first read that there were too many prepositions and too many conjunctions (thens, ands), and a couple extra modifiers - but after getting a little more familiar with it I think maybe you could hack out 2 if that (L1:on, comma after "slay", L6:"then", "vulnerable" *or* "pawn" (if "vulnerable" then maybe a shorter synonym)).

I do like the repeated "ands" in L2, because of the alliteration with the ending "d" sound (every word).

What has added to my first impression is the capitalization, and the commas that precede them; highlights to ill effect.

I don't know if it was you intention to capitalize every first letter on every line, but it isn't consistant.

Still, a good story - and a nine.




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